Pray & Pray For My Downfall

NOTORIOUS B.I.G. - "SUICIDAL THOUGHTS"

"I can't believe suicide's on my f____ mind... I wanna leave I swear to God I feel like death is f____ callin' me.. Nah, you wouldn't understand .. You see it's kinda like the crack did to Pookie in New Jack.. Except when I cross over there ain't no comin' back.. Should I die on the train track like Remo in Beat Street.. People at the funeral frontin' like they miss me.. My baby momma kissed me but she glad I'm gone.. She knew me & her sista had somethin' goin' on.. I reach my peak, I can't speak, call my nigga Chic, tell him that my will is weak.. I'm sick of lyin', I'm sick of b____ hawkin'.. Matter of fact, I'm sick of talkin.."

BANG!!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.. Rewind.. Take it back a few notches..

Suicide can be taboo in some conversations.. I had a relative commit suicide when I was pretty young.. I don't remember him much while I was growing up (the age difference probably had something to do with it); He was around 37 or 38 when he died while I was around 10.. When his body was found, it didn't look as if he killed himself; they found a crowbar and a sandwich lying next to him.. "What the f___?" is exactly what I thought.. But after further investigation, it was found that he indeed took his own life and he had been using some type of drug.. Now I don't know if the drug affected his decision to kill himself, family issues, or depression.. But what I do know, I could not take my own life..

However, I seriously contemplated suicide at one point in my life.. I was going through a lot mentally.. I felt lost and just downright depressed.. I was uncomfortable in my own skin.. I questioned my worthiness and purpose of living on this earth.. I felt that death was the resolution to my problem.. I wrote my "note".. I described every thought and feeling that lead me to this fate.. After completing the letter, I went to sleep and woke up the next day to my mom and grandmother wanting to speak with me.. (People can be so damn nosy, going through my stuff) Of course they didn't tell me why at first.. After speaking with them, I realized that everyone goes through problems.. Everyone has bad days.. But those bad days doesn't mean it's worth killing yourself.. If I would have taken my life I would have missed out on so much.. My first real boyfriend.. My first big "O".. Making it to my high school graduation.. I wouldn't have been able to reconcile with my Dad.. Seeing my mom smile.. Seeing the sun set.. Driving my own car.. Having my 1st apartment.. Having a job.. Giving birth to my son.. There's nothing in this world that is worth me missing on living another day (God willing).. If you're thinking about committing suicide because yesterday was bad.. Last month was bad.. The past 2 years have been bad.. Just think.. There is a great possibility that tomorrow will be great..

National Suicide Hotline : 1-800-273-TALK (8255)