End of Blame

SMASHING PUMPKINS - "TO FORGIVE"

Ten times removed.. I forget about where it began.. Bastard son of a bastard son.. Of a wild eyed child of the sun.. And right as rain, I'm not the same.. But.. I feel the same, I feel nothing.. Holding back the fool again.. holding back the fool pretends.. I forget to forget nothing is important.. Holding back the fool again.. I sensed my loss before I even learned to talk and remember my birthdays.. Empty party afternoons won't come back.. Holding back the fool again.. Holding back the fool pretends.. I forget to forget nothing is important.. Holding back the fool again.. I forget to forget me.. I forget to forget you see.. I knew my loss before I even learned to speak.. And all along I knew it was wrong.. But I played along with my birthday song.. Holding back the fool again.. Holding back the fool pretends.. I forget to forget nothing is important.. Holding back the fool again..



I have had a rocky relationship with my father.. But the "boat" didn't rock until I was about 11 or 12.. I don't know what happened.. After my parents separated (I was 6 at the time), I was daddy's lil girl.. You couldn't tell me ANYTHING wrong about my dad.. You could have told me he was a mass murderer and I would have defended him to the END.. But during the pre-pubescent and teenage years I felt a void.. Promises that were made weren't kept.. I felt that he didn't put me first as he always said he did.. Work, girlfriends, sports, EVERYTHING was put before me (or so I felt).. This void, this anger, this despondence grew with me as the years rolled on.. i had a lack of respect and maybe even concern with/about him until a little over a year ago.. Could you imagine the heaviness it bore on my heart?? That's 7 or 8 years of DEJECTION, IRE, and dare I say HATE, to someone nescient to my feelings.. I will not say that he was COMPLETELY ignorant of my feelings.. I am pretty sure my actions showed it.. But WORDS SHOULD HAVE BEEN SPOKEN to let him know the scope of my dysphoria.. I will not call my father a deadbeat dad.. I will not say that he left like a thief in the night.. But I will say that the constant to and fro caused (in some instances0 IRREPARABLE DAMAGE.. It has forever hindered a few relationships and even a few friendships.. He is his father's son.. And I am my father's child.. But this is one cycle that will not continue.. I vow to be the best mother my body, mind, and spirit will allow.. My father and I have begun the journey of rapproachment.. It all started with an apology, a few tears, and lots of laughs.. He is a part of me and my son's life (full-time) and I am grateful of this gift.. I love my Daddy and I will always be his Raggamuffin..